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Friday, April 20, 2007

Been wanting to put up more posts, but I've been too tired to do so. But I guess I can't really complain that I am tired, because everyone else is tired. So, let's be tired together and get a gold for choir...

Speaking of getting a Gold for SYF, I can really feel the stress and pressure now. It's auditions tomorrow... And I am trying to mentally prepare myself, and not have expectations that are too high. I don't want to have high expectations of myself, then fall and hurt myself again. Been trying to muster all my confidence, but it seems like I am really not prepared. My Sop tone is too piercing (not using singing voice because I have no idea how that works), mezzo tone is alright, and... pitching seems to be a little off too.

So I left choir early because of some family emergency, and I while I was walking back in the dark, I begun to really think about what I want. Then, I thought, its not just what I want. It's what God wants... Yet, I still couldn't put aside my worries for the audition tomorrow. I can still remember what happened for the previous audition... I got too scared to sing in front of Miss Ong, and just had no confidence to sing after a G note. I was so scared, my lips were trembling and she made it all worse by placing her hand on my jaw to stop my lips from trembling. Anyway, she told me I'd definitely be in Sop. Just a few days ago, I got my voice tested again, and Jac said I am probably better suited for Alto. Goodness? Where am I to be? But I don't mind going to Alto, because I have close friends there. And the Alto girls are really a great bunch of people!

While I was heading to meet my Mum, travelling back to SK, Yixuan caught up with me. Initially, I didn't want to speak about my thoughts because I was feeling really down. For no reason. I guess it's just mood swings, lol. All because Zi Jie passed it to me (from yesterday night)! LOL. But somehow, I managed to open up a little and I was just talking about how much I have been thinking whether to participate in SYF or not. I seem to be pulling the Sop section down. But after talking to Yixuan, I felt much better... What I decded to do is... Just listen to the midis, take note of dynamics, sing along with midi, train my voice a little and just do my best... And leave the rest into the hands of God. Whether I get in or not, I stand to gain. IIf I get into SYF, I have a jolly good time working hard and singing my lungs out and get a proper award for choir share my joy withthe choir peeps and get a beautiful remark on my SGC. If I don't, well then, concentrate on the upcoming Bio and Econs Test, study hard and get good results. It's a one way thing. It's either this or that. Jia you! I think I am just going to do my best. =]

I was glad I decided to not get an early leave form from school. Because it I did, I would have probably met my Dad. That's the last thing on my wishlist. I heard about how my Mum and Brother encountered my Dad on their way to the lawyer's office. And thank God for all He's done and planned in my life, I am glad I wasn't with my Mum at that point of time. I think I would have blanked out and probably cried if I saw him. The last time I saw him was about 9 months ago. If I can, I would never wantt o see him again. Up till this point in time, I am still unable to forgive my Dad for what he has done... At the same time, I pity him because I heard he lost a lot of weight... At least if he lived healthily and well, I would probably hate him more, but he can't make me completely detest him now because he made me pity him. And I would always tell myself that it would do myself some good if I can forgive my father. But what's the point of forgiving when he doesn't repent?

In the same way, I thought about howgod might feel. I am such a great sinner, but He still forgave me and accepted me as his child. He still sees that I am pure in His eyes. But, I just can't do that for my Dad. Maybe I need more time... If God could forgive my sins, than... All the more I should forgive my Dad. Sounds contradictory, right? "How long will it take for me to forget this?"

This pretty much sums up my day. Oh yeah, Maths. Whoa. I am having a tough time with it! Argh. We'll just see how far I can go with Maths. Haha. =)

{/4/20/2007 09:04:00 PM}

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