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♥Myself! <33
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1.52m (*ahem~* Don't need anyone to remind me of this horrible fact, so shh~)
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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Tiring. Just got home...

Nothing much in particular today....
Just that I felt upset. I'm always wondering... Why is it that people always walk past one another without saying "Hi", or even wave, even though we know each other? It's been happening to me recently, and this hurts... A simple action like this could jsut brighten one's day.

Sometimes I feel that maybe I should not talk. Been feeling that I have been saying redundant things to friends. In fact, I have been feeling misplaced. Perhaps I shouldn't have been in 0716. It's like... I don't fit in at all. I don't know how to crack jokes, have no wish to use vulgarities to fit in, I have not enough intelligence to stay in a all 4 H2 subjects class.... I totally don't fit in. I am starting to feel that I don't even belong in Nanyang. But I just kept holding on to the hope that God has placed me in Nanyang for a purpose... Ah wells, I think I'll just take things one at a time and see how it goes.

Choir. Had choir today. Ended at about 9 pm. The thought of me not being able to do up my own make-up makes me upset, because my face is bound to look like a babboon's butt on Friday night. How eww. I was actually feeling upset the whole day, and I brought these emotions with me to choir... I actually feel misplaced in choir... Misplaced in Soprano. I don't seem to be close to who I was close with last time. No one cracks jokes anymore. Maybe because I am a lousy joker. But that's what I am. I want to be myself. Why should I even try so hard to joke just to fit in with everyone else? I am who I am. And when I am commentless about things, I am commentless... But being commentless might just lead to my friends thinking, "I am not interested to talk to you, because I am facing just a dumb wooden block". That's how I feel about myself at least. But I want to be myself.

Misplaced in Soprano because.... Everytime, I find my voice going hoarse at the end of every practice.... I don't even sound like who I am anymore. I sound horrible... And as hard as I try to learn the right techniques, I end up straining my voice, and making my SL worry about me. Of course, I'm glad they are worried, at least I know they care. Most importantly, Jesus cares...

Nonetheless, the only reason why I am staying in choir despite my difficulties (not having enough sleep, hoarse voice, etc.) is because of friends and God. Though sediments and rocks left choir.... There's still my Alto friends whom I am close to, and are ever ready to embrace my troubles and welcome my tears. And though I am the only Soprano in their group, but at least I feel comfortable. It's only when I am with them, I am myself. Thanks so much to Xin Ying, who readily embraced me and encouraged me to stop crying, because I felt so misplaced in Nanyang... I am always lying to my friends in 0716, putting on a mask, and smiling away, pretending I am happy, but I am not. It's easy to hide this fact from 0716, but hard to hide it from choir, because they noticed that I have been feeling down recently...Thanks to Kaibin who tried to cheer me up... But sorry for the refusal for you to listen to my problems... =\ Didn't mean to be bad. But I didn't want to cry in front of Kaibin, because I have been crying enough and troubling choir enough. I think I am bringing my entire Soprano section down...

But anyway, I feel better now... Thanks to people out there who are really allowing me to be myself, like Xin Ying, Eileen, Angela, Jacqueline.... Love you girls! And thanks to Kenny Pebbles for the Strepsils! =] At least right now, you guys are giving me the strength to stay in Nanyang, to persevere through the rigorous vocal practices...

And for all those who are going to NYChoir Concert, Apassionata... I really thank you guys for the support because it's what I need most right now.... And... lastly, not forgetting those who are supporting me in their hearts. I know that even if I feel misplaced, I have to carry on because of all of your support. =] Thank you.


{/4/10/2007 10:24:00 PM}
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