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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

As I sit right in front of the computer now, whatever that's typed in here are thoughts that ran through my mind as I made my way home from school.

I am tired. I am wrestling with myself once again. I am struggling, suffocating. I have sunk into the deepest, lowest point of my life right now. Any resistances I put up, it becomes futile. The last time I felt this way was 2, 3 or even 4 years back. I am sinking into who I was. I am tired of talking. Talking is a chore for me. Talking is irrelevant. And this blog - is just where I vent everything, throw out everything.

It's all mental. That's what I told myself. Me falling sick all the time, getting all the headaches, dizziness, flu, cough, fever. It's all mental. Looks like I enjoy falling sick and feeling this way all the time? No. It's torturous. And here I am, venting my angst, worries, fear, stress heree so that I can go peacefully to bed and sleep it off.

This dangerous trigger that no one should pull, was pulled. Not by a person, but by a movie. And just as I was well on my way recovering, a person came along the way and pulled the trigger again. Double the pain. Yeah, and that's today. As much as I would not like to mention any of these things to anyone, because it's shameful, embarrassing, irrtating, somehow never in my life I thought if I went to JC, no one would know anymore. But that's so wrong. Suddenly, I am weary of crying, crying and crying. One thing that it goes to show: I am mentally weak. And I really am. It's a fact that I acknowledge. Many times I want to cry, but I find myself holding back my tears desperately, because it would just mean I am weak.

I skipped choir. I came home. No point going there with a forlorn face and a system shut down. I wouldn't be able to concentrate with the headache anyway, I felt like throwing up, but once again, it's all mental. As long as my mind thinks like this, with regard to the slightest tinge of illness I feel, they explode into a series of illnesses that just make me feel worse. And what is that that makes me feel worse? My friends are there, in choir, slogging away, singing their lungs out, and here I am home, resting. Idiotic, isn't it? And suddenly, I don't want to talk anymore.

I am well aware that there are friends out there who truly cares about me, but... I think this is my baggage. It's something that I have got to carry and throw it off my back alone. I am thankful to them, especially someone, for all the encouragement, all the time spent with me. It's a great relief to know that people are there for me when I really need them, but sometimes, I have a serious deficiency in trying to express myself. The silence is just too hard for me to bear. But I can't help it. The challenge is tough. It's so tough, it's a hindrance. And this hindrance is going to take a lot of time. This hindrance is one that is for me and only me to bear, because it's really hard for me to cry right in front of anyone right now. If I do cry, I'll never stop. And I don't exactly like crying. The more I try to stop these redundant tears from falling, the more they do.

To add to my already troubled mind, GPP was a flop. My heart dropped. Now, we have to redo it. And the thought of it just makes me feel sick. All those efforts went down the drain. And this is why I am home. To clear off and cool off. If I don't, I think I will really metamorphosize back to who I was in the past, and that pain, is one of the worst pain I ever experienced in my life. I have been sleeping more than usual. It's a bad sign. Mental tiredness always make me sleep more than what I need to cover for physical tiredness. If I sleep more, I am just going to run away from whatever is the problem now. Correction. Whatever are the problems now.

All complaints done.
Next, bathe and sleep. (and never wake up came to my mind, but it's a silly thing to do, really.)

{/5/23/2007 04:43:00 PM}

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